The *bitter defeat* Legal Counsel was shocked to hear that I got hit by a car the other night... and even more shocked that I was riding a skateboard at the time. He then consulted a pair of Esquire magazine articlets (this one and this one) to confirm whether or not I was, at the ripe old age of 31, still permitted to ride a skateboard at all. These ultra-informative lists of Things a Man Should Never Do After the Age of 30 made for fascinating reading. They also confirmed that the editors of Esquire should buy some stock in GlaxoSmithKline (makers of Geritol and many other fine drugs for the Gray Panther set), get fitted for colostomy bags, and go Rascal shopping.
Am I a "mature" human being? Not by most estimates, no. (This should be obvious, as you are currently reading my blog.) Nonetheless, the idea that I should no longer air drum; utilize any ornate methodology in the consumption of an Oreo cookie; skip; use the word party as a verb; do shots; help my friends move(??); use the word dude (are they fucking kidding me??); listen to Pink Floyd; play fantasy sports; or shave my balls is utter crap. Those things are all perfectly healthy, cool, defensible, and awesome. Look, if you want to tuck your shirt into your khakis, take up golf, talk about financial planning at non-business-related gatherings, suddenly believe in trickle-down economics, pay $60 or more to see over-50 musicians in concert, start thinking Dave Barry is funny, start thinking Coldplay is "rock music," and be suddenly eager to date high-maintenance climbers from the Upper-West Side... well, this is America. Get to it. Knock yourself out. But I think I'll put off being a boring twat until I'm at least 40, thank you very much.
And now, a list of 15 other favorite hobbies and tendencies of which I'm sure the D-bags over at Esquire would disapprove. I, at the age of 31, thoroughly enjoy...
1. Comic books
2. Attending science fiction/superhero movies on opening night
3. Boilermakers
4. Referring to excrement as "poop," "poopies," "twosies," "doodoo," etc.
5. Star Wars
6. Cannonball!!
7. Conversations consisting entirely of movie/Simpsons quotes
8. Eating candy until I feel ill
9. Throwing stuff at other stuff
10. Punk
11. Cartoons
12. Vice magazine
13. Ironic t-shirts
14. Domestic beer
15. Blogging
And so I say, in the most grown-up terms of which I am capable, go fuck yourself Esquire! And may your next profile of Vince Vaughn be even less interesting than the last!
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